Tomorrow I return to work, and honestly? I’m nervous — and not in the mood. I’ve got the Sunday Scaries, something I never used to experience. But ever since the constant, chaotic changes in my department, they’ve become my unwelcome weekly guest.
During our initial performance discussion, I had all passes except for one. Then, when it came time to finalize and send it to HR, my boss outright said, “I need this person to have two fails instead of one.” Just like that — he chose to fail me in two areas. Not because of facts, not because of my actual work, but because of whatever narrative he wanted to push. That’s not leadership — that’s manipulation.
And yes, I know — I need to look for a new job. I’ve had it. Management and HR? They don’t care. Not really. I constantly feel like I have to tiptoe around, always on edge, always watching my back.
But this? This isn’t sustainable.
Every weekend it takes me time to recover from the toll of the week. It took me six weeks — six long weeks — to realize: this isn’t normal. It’s a toxic environment, and I’m done pretending otherwise. I know I’m better than this.
Let me tell you something else: at 36, I had to undergo a subtotal abdominal hysterectomy because my uterus was overtaken by fibroids. I don’t have kids, a spouse — not even a potential one. And now, I physically can’t have kids. But praise God — no organs were damaged. The uterus was removed. GONE.
Look at Jesus. Come on now!!! LET’S GO!
And I’m still in recovery. I’m still healing — physically, emotionally, mentally. It’s not over yet.
The pain is real. The fatigue is ongoing. The wound still needs gauze dressings changed twice a day. My core muscles are still weakened because the fibroids had been laying directly on top of them, making the surgery more complex. I still move slowly. I still get tired easily. And the pain when I cough? Unbelievable. It feels like my entire body tears with each cough. Even breathing too deeply can feel like a punch to the gut.
Try walking slowly and needing help to wash yourself because you can’t bend. Try managing a pee bag. Try taking stool softeners and waiting days just to go to the bathroom like a normal person. It’s like being a baby again — starting over, rebuilding your strength. And then someone at work thinks it’s appropriate to downgrade your performance as if your reality doesn’t matter?
Nah. That was the thorn that broke the camel’s back.
But through all of this? God has been good.
God came through with the GAP cover.
God came through with the love and support.
God stuck around when no one else did.
God is still walking me through the healing.
But God… still chose me.
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